Quiet. Poetic.

Jadeng: Ikaw na talaga ang number one follower ko. Hahaha.

Me: Oh yeah. Hihi. And vice versa I guess?

Jadeng: IKR. Hahaha.

Nothing special, really. It’s just as if we’re the only Tumblr followers we have. I felt like we’re creating Tumblr posts for the both of us to read. Sharing life’s success and heartaches. What do you expect? She’s my closest online friend. Oh well. :))

Thank yooooooou!

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So you remember my last post about me saying music couldn’t lighten my feeling, I was wrong. My playlist is on shuffle then this song played right after I made my earlier post. The song is called Meant to Live by Switchfoot. Just what I needed. :D

“We were meant to live for so much more. Have we lost ourselves?”

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Last Friday, a friend and I finally started job hunting. Pointwest sa Makati, and for the record, first time ko talagang mahirapan sa Verbal part ng exam sa tanang buhay ko. Actually, all my life I think yung part lang na yon ang nagpapasa sakin during exams. Obviously, it was a total failure. Aminado naman ako. Di talaga sya madali so hanga talaga ako sa ilang kaibigan na nakapasa at nagta-trabaho na don.

I told myself, ayos lang yon. There’s always room for first times. Inenjoy pa namin ng kaibigan ko yung araw. More like we just hanged out in Makati at naisingit lang ang pag-aapply. Sobrang nakakapagod. Then we made plans of going back and try our luck in other companies. “Ayos lang.” Well, that’s what I thought.

Iba pala talaga ang epekto ng first time. Sabi nga ng mga tropang kong loko loko, masakit talaga pag first time. I didn’t actually believed that dahil di naman sa pagyayabang, I passed Accenture and got myself a job offer. Yun nga lang, ‘twas too good to be true. The feeling was euphoric though it didn’t last that long. Going back, this is the first time I failed an employment exam.

“Ayos lang. :)” 

What I don’t know is it’s started to consume me inside and when I realized it, it’s as if nothing’s left.

Inisa isa ko yung mga companies na pupuntahan naming sunod. Pangalan pa lang bigatin na. I know her standards. Di sya pipili basta basta lang. At sa kadahilanang ayokong bumagsak ulet, I kinda researched about these companies a bit. I just wanted a little hint on what to expect about their exam and/or interview. A certain thread just hit me.

“No Leakage! The fact na sumusuko ka na without taking the exam, bagsak ka na.”

It wasn’t the exact quote but more or less, that’s what he’s trying to imply. So, I wasn’t really looking for a leakage but it did hit me. It just means, I’m not ready for whatever’s ahead of me. This has degraded any self-esteem and confidence that’s left in me. Hearing technical exam/interviews makes me feel uneasy. I even plan on avoiding companies with hands-on examinations. I know this isn’t me. I always loved challenges. I’ve already made this far and yet, I still doubt myself.

Napagisip-isip ko tuloy, may napatunayan na ba ako sa sarili ko? Kung frustrations and failures din lang, I got plenty of those.

First, I wasn’t able to land a job in my dream company. Actually, nabi-bitter ako everytime I see, or walk past ACN buildings and offices.

Ano bang kaya kong gawin? “Jack of All Trades, Master of None.” That’s what I believe I was. Meaning I know a bit of everything but don’t have my forte. But just a bit would not suffice. I know deep down, I really wanted to know where I’m good at. I know I’m good for something, I just haven’t found it yet. I want something I can call MINE.

Lastly, I still blame myself for our thesis. Well, it’s not that we flunked the subject. But still, if only I did better. If only..

Insecurity? Siguro. I’m sitting here typing this blog while others already have their jobs. Napagiwanan ng mundo. Isa sa pinaka ayokong pakiramdam at eto ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. Ganto nalang ba ako?

Right now, I can’t explain how I feel. I just know that it ain’t good. Not even music nor my cup of coffee and bar of Choco Mucho could lighten the feeling.

I’m terribly sorry for doubting Your plans for me. I just can’t help it, pero naniniwala pa din ako sa kung anong magagawa Mo. Let Your will be done.

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Madalas itanong sakin to ng mga cashier kapag umoorder sa mga fastfood chain. Minsan natatawa pa ko dahil andaming meaning na pumapasok sa isip ko. Mas madalas tungkol sa pagibig ang nasa utak ko pero ngayon mukang iba at isa lang ang nasa isip ko.

February 3, 2012. Its been 3 months simula nung nakapasa ako sa dream company ko, Accenture. Sobrang saya ko nung araw na yon. Sobrang bait ni God para bigyan ng opportunity na ma-hire agad sa pangarap kong pasukan na kompanya. Pero, was it too good to be true? 

3 months. No email, phone calls or anything that would give me a hint if I could still be employed there. Ang tanging pinanghahawakan ko ay yung contingent contract ko. Oh yeah, I forgot ‘twas only CONTINGENT, meaning conditional. Di pa nga pala sya revised. I still don’t have the official job offer. Masyado kong inasahan to. I even left Sun Cellular earlier than they expected. Inasahan din ng mga boss ko na after graduation, they’ll soon see me as an Associate Software Engineer in Accenture. A friend (Accenture passer din) and I then decided to follow-up our application. We went straight to Pioneer.

Well, for a pessimist, di naman ako nadisappoint. Here’s what the HR said

“We’ve reached our month’s quota for ASE. We’re now shortlisting candidates. No need to follow-up. We’ll inform you once slots are available. All you need to do is make yourselves available once we called you. Thank you.”

Alam ko sa sarili ko na di yan ang ang gusto kong sagot. I even dreamt of signing the revised contract once. But I just can’t help expecting for the worst and think negative. 

Expectations lead to disappointments. 

One of the many negative quotes and mottos I live by. Ayoko nalang din siguro ng disappoinments dahil na rin sa sobrang failures na napagdaanan ko. It just hurts too much when you’re expecting something and it isn’t bound to happen. Anyway, it worked fine for me. Or maybe not. I know, the damage is just the same. My mind is just blank on the way home.

So now I ask myself, am I willing to wait? Wait for what? Something I aren’t sure of? I admit, I want to be there that bad at umaasa pa talaga ako. This Thursday, I’ll start job hunting though I’m having second thoughts. 

“What if matanggap ako sa iba, then tsaka sila magparamdam ulet?” 

It’s playing on repeat in my mind. Sabi ng isang kaibigan, di lahat ng opportunities tinatanggap. And I get her point. I always make mistakes when it comes to choice. Always can’t make up my mind.

So ano na nga ba talaga? Ngayon, di ko padin alam. Ang alam ko lang, life must go on.  Makakarating pa din naman ako don in time. Gaya nga ng lagi kong sinasabi ko sa kaibigang kong karamay ko sa pangangarap, “We’ll meet there. Someday, Somehow.” Yeah, I’ll start moving on but I still won’t give up with my dream. 

I’ll get there. Someday. Somehow.

So, maybe I have to say goodbye to this for now. :’) 

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